If I could tell him, I would. I need to suck it up though because it'll only create issues and make him feel bad. I don't want him to feel bad. But I wish I could say it. -
Nano I don’t know what’s happening anymore and I’m going to be really blunt and not use pretty words with you. This time with you being away is so much worse than I ever thought possible. Everyone is empty feeling about it and I have no one left at all. Everyone is looking the other way and everything is so messed up. I’m trying to keep myself pre-occupied with other things but it only works for so long. My whole world surrounds you and without you I have nothing. Today your friend texted me and pretty much said things that made me want to die. Like that all I do is control you, and that I act just like your mother, the only difference being that you fuck me. Normally things like that wouldn’t bother me much but you’re not here now to make me feel better and to reassure me that everything is going to be okay. I don’t know if everything is going to be okay anymore. I don’t understand anything. You couldn’t possibly understand how much you fucked me up. I think you honestly may have broken me this time. Every day my mind eats itself up trying to figure out what I did wrong, and why being with me was so horrible that you would rather choose death then stick it out and love me. I don’t understand why you couldn’t talk to me or why you couldn’t just not do it. How could you fucking leave me like that? I thought you were dead and I was all alone crying and no one cared. All I do anymore is cry. I haven’t laughed or smiled or done anything I like since you left. Nothing means anything to me anymore. It’s like my whole world is in black and grey and I’m this fucking empty shell. I can’t think about anything or focus on anything or anyone. I don’t care honestly if I live or die. I don’t have enough energy to do it myself so I feel like I’m just waiting for it to happen. I’m so physically sick. I feel like I always have the flu. I ache and I throw up and I just sob and sob for hours because I don’t understand. It’s past just breaking a promise to me. You were killing yourself and leaving me just like my father did when he couldn’t take me anymore. Everyone always leaves me and you’re no different now. I love you so much. So fucking much. I still love you even though you did this to me. I think even now that it’ll be better when you’re back. But I’m always worried that you’re going to leave me again and that I’ll be emotionally scarred from this. I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling and I want to so bad. I want you to understand what you did. I feel like I want to scream and bang my head in the wall all the time. I feel like it’s my fault and like I drove you to it. People are telling me I did. Your friends are telling me I did. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. I can be better I swear I can if you just promise you’ll never ever leave me again and won’t hurt me again. I couldn’t take it again. I already feel like I’m dying a little each day from heartbreak now while you’re gone. I couldn’t do it again I just know it. I just want you to be here to hold me and smile at me and tell me it’s going to be okay even though I know it’s not. I’ll be better and you won’t want this anymore. You told me you were planning it for a while and that was like a slap in the face. That hurt more than almost anything. All the times you told me you loved me from the first second you thought about it and thought about planning it were lies then. Every time you told me it was okay and that you were going to see me; those were all lies too. You wouldn’t have done it if you loved me. I would never put you through this because I really do love you. I’m just so fucking beyond hurt. My mind is so ridiculously messed up and twisted over this that I don’t know if it’s ever going to be the same again. I drink every day now again. All the time. I can’t stand not being drunk. I know I’m breaking a promise but what the fuck am I supposed to do. No one listens to me and if I’m not drunk then I’m ripping slashes into my body to try to make the pain go anywhere else but my mind. No matter how much I drink though I can’t fucking get away from the nightmares I have every night of you. I see your face and you’re dead and cold and I’m crying and I can’t have you back. And it’s all my fault it’s all mine and I can’t change it. I knew the whole time that I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough and I didn’t treat you well enough to even make you happy enough to want to live. And I’m sorry. So sorry. I think I saw you even when I blacked out darling. I think I saw you and you were sewing up all the promises that you broke to me. I think I saw you. I thought I heard a door open but I only heard one close. I thought I heard something else too but now I think it was your sanity snapping enough to make you want to suck down some pills so you would go away from me forever. I couldn’t imagine wanting to leave you forever. You’re the light of my life and the only thing that brings me happiness. Except now you did this and I’m so confused. I’m going on and on and I know I’m repeating myself and I don’t even know what I’m saying I just want you to understand.
