thirty-nine.

bye byeeeeee

thirty-eight.

I'm not sure of anything but my love for you.

thirty-seven.

For real.

thirty-six.

Fuck everyone.

thirty-five.

Haven't been writing much. It's not good for me I don't think, but I just haven't had the time, well, I really haven't had the energy is more like it.

Things are rocky to put it simply. My sweet and I are up and down, up and down all the time. We're going on vacation for two weeks to Maine in August though, and I'm hoping it will help us work things out. Hopefully it'll ease some tention and relax us a little bit. Plus we'll be spending all the time together so I'm interested to see how that goes. We've never spent more then 24 hours together, so spending two solid weeks is a change. The 13the of August is our one year anniversary. Hoo-rah.

Someone showed me that today for some fucking reason. And for some other reason, it hurt.

Pretty bad.

Worse then it should have.

thirty-four.

I haven't written in a while and it's really getting to me!

I will later though.

I'm going out with a cute german boy now. :D

<3

thirty-three.

I MADE CUPCAKES. : D YAY

thirty-two.

I had a really sexual dream about my ex girlfriend last night.

What. The. Fuck.

thirty-one.

I spent last night with my love.

Amazing on so many levels, I'll talk about it more later.

......

As you can see I coloured my hair aswell.

Text me if you like.

thirty.

LOL at my smile. :( God.

twenty-nine.

I'm making these today! :D Picture when I'm done.

twenty-eight.

I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've begun.
But something told me to run, and honey you know me it's all or none.

There were sounds in my head, little voices whispering that I should go and this should end.
Oh and I found myself listening.

Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you; all I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand anothers hand upon you; all I know is that I should.
Cause she will love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood.

See I thought love was black and white, that it was wrong or it was right.
But you ain't leaving without a fight, and I think I am just as torn inside.

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call.
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all.
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you, this is what I have to do.

Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you; all I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand anothers hand upon you; all I know is that I should.
Cause she will love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood.

twenty-seven.

I went out walking around with a full packed bowl in my pocket.
And NO ONE, I mean NO ONE, would smoke with me.
I asked like twenty people.
I hate smoking alone so I ended up not getting to smoke.
Maybe today though if Nano comes over.

twenty-six.

I lied. He's not seeing me today.

Tomorrow I guess..

Oh well.

twenty-five.

My sweet is coming over all day tomorrow. :)))) I can't wait. It seems like I haven't seen him in forever. It's probably because we fought. It'll be all better tomorrow though.

Ps. It's weird to me how we never fight when we're together, only when we're apart.

twenty-four.

LOL WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! CRIES.

twenty-three.

(love hunting on photobucket.)

I still love you.

Don't give up on me yet.

twenty-two.

I got into a fight with my love today. One of the worst we've had I think...it's good though because we're fine now...which I guess is good. Our worst fight and we're okay in a few hours? Good. I think.

Or not. Looks like another one is in the making.

twenty-one.

So beautiful.

I can't wait till I can get some scarification done.

twenty.

I'm going to look at old abandoned insane asylums with my love.

We'll get to spend a few days together and I can't wait.

It's a surprise though, I'm going to just bring him and we'll poke around and I'll take pictures. I think he'll enjoy it.

I love bonding and spending time with him. <3

.............

Ughhhhhhhhhhh so the past day or so has been horrible.

I'm so fucking moody and sick feeling.

My heart has been palpitating alot lately and I have to go get it checked out.

It's so scary when it's happening but I'm not really worried about it.

..............

I get to see my baby tomorrow though (maybe) ..(hopefully)...(who knows)..and I'll get lots of hugs and kisses and it'll cheer me up. We hit a little bump today but it's okay now.

nineteen.

I hide my pain like the rest of them; that's why I'm always laughing.
I'm troubled, I'm brilliant and miserable too; that's why I am so funny.
I swallow down all my fears with a bottle made of silver.
I've only been here for 17 years, but already my life is over.

My life is like a fairytale that nobody believes in.
I can't remember anything, not the people, not the places I've been.
"Just one more day you can make it", that's what I tell myself.
And everything that I love in life, is killing me, 'cause it's bad for my health.

And I need to unwind, yes.
I need to unwind, yes.
And I want all the time, to be loved, to unwind.

..............

I had a really good week. Kind of. it was up and down but the ups were very high and the downs weren't as low as I'm used to. So... overall. I give it a good.

ps. I spent alot of time with me love. That's mostly why it was good. I can't wait to move in with him. (:

eighteen.

The past is just the future with the lights on.


"Take this letter and slit your kiss,
Let the words pour from between your lips,
And fill the page with words I can't accept,
I've got letters of my own,
It's like the last real thing on earth is falling free,
Gravity, don't fail me now,
I'm scratching the surface again,
But never breaking in,
Watch the stars close for a sign from the heavens,
Codemn the lying faces hiding their cards,
But I'm no better behind a guilty hand,
Smiling in between sobs,
Trying to regain the happiness of which you've been robbed."

seventeen.

Dear life,

I just wanted to let you know that you're really letting me down lately. It may be wrong of me, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I expected more. Please stop the shit.

Love, Kristina.

sixteen.

It's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot out. :(((((

I'm going swimming so I'll cool down though.

I lied, hiking then swimming. (: With one of my favourite people in the world.

Oh and Happy Fathers Day! :D

fifteen.

Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right.
I never stopped to think of you; I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win.
You are the antidote that gets me by; something strong like a drug that gets me high.
To you I'm sorry about all the lies, maybe in a different light, you could see me stand on my own again.
Cause now I can see;
You were the antidote that got me by; something strong like a drug that got me high.
I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep, locked inside of me so deep; it always seems to get to me.
I never really wanted you to go, so many things you should have known.
I guess for me theres just no hope.
I never meant to be so cold.

.............

It's for the better though.

fourteen.

Woke up to that familiar feeling
Staring at an unfamiliar ceiling
Still got your jeans on but you're topless
Headache and the stomach feels nauseous
Grab your shirt off the bedroom floor
And trying to recollect the night before
How'd you get from the bar to this mattress?
And when you got here then what happened?
And where's the who that lives here?
In this house you wanna figure out how'd you get here
But the thought got cut by nature
Find the bathroom the gut got anger
Here it comes can't avoid it
Ain't the first time throwin' up in a strange toilet
Anyone else would leave but you?
You crawl back to the bed and fell back asleep


Woke up all alone with no friends
But you had to throw up again
Choke up the tears and the spit
Grab some tissue to wipe off your lips
And everything still spins
And then the chills begin
And the god please kill me right now hits
And you still don't know whos house this is
In between leftover dry heaves
You try to check out your timepiece
And you should call your job
But first gotta turn this hangover off
You dream that it's just a dream
Until the phone in your pocket starts to scream
Shut it down don't wanna hear a sound
Heavy is the head that wears that crown now


Hangover ain't a strong enough word
It don't describe what just occured
Lookin' at a phone full of missed calls
Probably all the people that you pissed off
Everything seems so sour
So you force yourself into the shower
Standin' up brings out the stars
And the whole bathroom smells just like a dive bar
Can't do it better sit
And let the tub be the catcher's mitt
Lay down face down
Thank god whoever lives here ain't around
Now what you need is silence
And you don't want no one to see you like this
Maybe you don't recognize it
But this is your home this is where your life lives

thirteen.

I hate feeling like this, and I'm so tired of trying to fight this.
I'm asleep and all I dream of is waking up to you.
Tell me that you will listen, you're really all I'm missing.
And the more I hide the more I realize I'm slowly losing you.
It's like I'm in a comatose and I'll never wake up without an overdose of you.

.......

I don't even want to dream anymore; they don't comfort me the same way you do.
I hate living without you.

tweleve.

Can you say pain? Ouccchhhhhh. :) Well worth it though.

.........

It's weird, lately; as in for the last few months, I've been kind of ignoring the news about what's been happening around the world and in areas around me. Then today I looked into it and it's so strange how much has happened. It's even stranger how things that were huge news two months ago, are now seemingly insignificant.

.........

I enjoy Michelle Obama. Such a nice ladyy.

.........

I don't have anything to say really. For once.

eleven.

I'm tired.

My baby is coming over tomorrow though so I'm happyyy. He'll cheer me up and make my whole entire day better; give me something to look forward to aswell.

.......

I just watched The Collector. It was okay. The ending sucked pretty bad though. Too bad.

.......

I'm so bored. I did nothing today. Tomorrow is this big town wide sale thing aswell....but I'm broke so can't spend anything really. Not like anyone here ever has anything good anyway though.

.......

I want to go to the ocean. I think I will soon. Maybe my love can come. Probably not. Probably not even worth asking.... Scratch that. Definatly not even worth asking.

ps my tattoo is itching and scabbing. healing is annoying. :(

ten.

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove.

nine.

Onnn the phone with Ryan. I look so bad in the morning.

.........

I had to go to the hospital this morning because of my ear.

Now I have to take stupid medication.

Gahsakdjioghjdrosigjkclm.

.........

I'm going to eat some yogurt.

Actually I'm gonna make yogurt ice pops.

Nom nom nom.

eight.

So. Fucking. Pissed.

I'll now be out over a hundred dollars because of my ignorant selfish excuse of a mother.

Why?

Because she doesn't feel like helping me.

After everything I do for her, she can't give up fourty minutes of her time to sit with me and help me with something.

........

Breeeeeeeeeathhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeee.

.........

Must stay calm.

seven.

I look like shit today. My hair is growning long and it makes me want to cut it off.

.......

I feel like breaking down and having a psychotic episode all of a sudden. Like full on banging my head on the wall and screaming. I feel like this more and more often lately.

.......

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now.

six.

my mother is so stubborn and selfish sometimes, and doesn't even realize when I'm trying to do things just to help her out.

.....

Compromise is key.

five.

I love photography. I think I love all art actually.. but I don't want to talk about that. It's boring.

I found a huge hunk of limestone yesterday, and inside were some of the most amazing fossils I've ever found. Mostly I just find shells and crinoids. But yesterday I found huge trilobites and different plants and even bones.

.........

I only cried a few times yesterday. I'm begining to feel less sad and angry and more numb. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. You'd think considering I'm in school for psychology... that I'd be more on top of my emotions and moods. But I can't be.

.........

I wish I could be a little kid.

The past is just the future with the lights on.

four.

If I could tell him, I would. I need to suck it up though because it'll only create issues and make him feel bad. I don't want him to feel bad. But I wish I could say it. -

Nano I don’t know what’s happening anymore and I’m going to be really blunt and not use pretty words with you. This time with you being away is so much worse than I ever thought possible. Everyone is empty feeling about it and I have no one left at all. Everyone is looking the other way and everything is so messed up. I’m trying to keep myself pre-occupied with other things but it only works for so long. My whole world surrounds you and without you I have nothing. Today your friend texted me and pretty much said things that made me want to die. Like that all I do is control you, and that I act just like your mother, the only difference being that you fuck me. Normally things like that wouldn’t bother me much but you’re not here now to make me feel better and to reassure me that everything is going to be okay. I don’t know if everything is going to be okay anymore. I don’t understand anything. You couldn’t possibly understand how much you fucked me up. I think you honestly may have broken me this time. Every day my mind eats itself up trying to figure out what I did wrong, and why being with me was so horrible that you would rather choose death then stick it out and love me. I don’t understand why you couldn’t talk to me or why you couldn’t just not do it. How could you fucking leave me like that? I thought you were dead and I was all alone crying and no one cared. All I do anymore is cry. I haven’t laughed or smiled or done anything I like since you left. Nothing means anything to me anymore. It’s like my whole world is in black and grey and I’m this fucking empty shell. I can’t think about anything or focus on anything or anyone. I don’t care honestly if I live or die. I don’t have enough energy to do it myself so I feel like I’m just waiting for it to happen. I’m so physically sick. I feel like I always have the flu. I ache and I throw up and I just sob and sob for hours because I don’t understand. It’s past just breaking a promise to me. You were killing yourself and leaving me just like my father did when he couldn’t take me anymore. Everyone always leaves me and you’re no different now. I love you so much. So fucking much. I still love you even though you did this to me. I think even now that it’ll be better when you’re back. But I’m always worried that you’re going to leave me again and that I’ll be emotionally scarred from this. I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling and I want to so bad. I want you to understand what you did. I feel like I want to scream and bang my head in the wall all the time. I feel like it’s my fault and like I drove you to it. People are telling me I did. Your friends are telling me I did. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. I can be better I swear I can if you just promise you’ll never ever leave me again and won’t hurt me again. I couldn’t take it again. I already feel like I’m dying a little each day from heartbreak now while you’re gone. I couldn’t do it again I just know it. I just want you to be here to hold me and smile at me and tell me it’s going to be okay even though I know it’s not. I’ll be better and you won’t want this anymore. You told me you were planning it for a while and that was like a slap in the face. That hurt more than almost anything. All the times you told me you loved me from the first second you thought about it and thought about planning it were lies then. Every time you told me it was okay and that you were going to see me; those were all lies too. You wouldn’t have done it if you loved me. I would never put you through this because I really do love you. I’m just so fucking beyond hurt. My mind is so ridiculously messed up and twisted over this that I don’t know if it’s ever going to be the same again. I drink every day now again. All the time. I can’t stand not being drunk. I know I’m breaking a promise but what the fuck am I supposed to do. No one listens to me and if I’m not drunk then I’m ripping slashes into my body to try to make the pain go anywhere else but my mind. No matter how much I drink though I can’t fucking get away from the nightmares I have every night of you. I see your face and you’re dead and cold and I’m crying and I can’t have you back. And it’s all my fault it’s all mine and I can’t change it. I knew the whole time that I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough and I didn’t treat you well enough to even make you happy enough to want to live. And I’m sorry. So sorry. I think I saw you even when I blacked out darling. I think I saw you and you were sewing up all the promises that you broke to me. I think I saw you. I thought I heard a door open but I only heard one close. I thought I heard something else too but now I think it was your sanity snapping enough to make you want to suck down some pills so you would go away from me forever. I couldn’t imagine wanting to leave you forever. You’re the light of my life and the only thing that brings me happiness. Except now you did this and I’m so confused. I’m going on and on and I know I’m repeating myself and I don’t even know what I’m saying I just want you to understand.

three.

SO I'M SITTING WITH MY BROTHER NIKOLAS. :)

And we decided to make a few things clear.

Well mainly I'm going to be making things clear, not him. He just agrees with me somewhat but doesn't like to admit it.

First off- In no way is this blog thing serious. I don't want a shitton of followers or whatever. I don't really care if anyone reads it or not. (Though I know people do.) I mostly just do it to vent because to be honest, I don't have anyone to really vent to about shit that goes on in my life. THOUGH, if someone does read it, and can perhaps learn or get something good from it, even if it's just a laugh at my strange life, then that would be amazing.

Second- I was just reading someone elses blog. HE WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED. And it's hilarious to me. This kid takes himself so fucking seriously. The funny thing is, he claims not to. His whole life is one huge hypocrisy. He thinks he's the shit, OBVIOUSLY, but then claims to hate people who act like they're famous and shit. It makes me laugh. Not just haha laugh. But HAR HAR HAR laugh.

Third- I've been listening to the song Blurry by Puddle of Mudd over and over lately.

It pretty much explains what I'm going through, or at least what I'm feeling.

...........

Everything's so blurry, and everyone's so fake.

And everybody's empty, and everything is so messed up.

Pre-occupied without you, I cannot live at all.

My whole world surrounds you, I stumble then crawl.

You could be my someone, you could be my scene.

You know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene.

I wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are.

There's oceans inbetween us, but that's not very far.

Everyone is changing, there's no one left that's real.

To make up your own ending, and let me know just how you feel.

Cause I am lost without you, I cannot live at all.

My whole world surrounds you, I stumble then I crawl.

La la la.

Song times over now.

I have so much to do.

I can't stop thinking about him and how he's doing.

Only 27 more days to go.

two.

I'm so ridiculously sick.

I feel like I have the flu but a hundred times worse.

Worst is the heartache though, and I feel like if that doesn't heal, then I'll just keep feeling sick.

I know I'm repeating myself but I can't help it. The same thoughts go through my head again and again every single day.

The sick part is that I already know all the answers to the questions I keep asking. At least, the answers that everyone, including him, will tell me. I don't know if I'm paranoid or not, but I don't believe all the things they tell me. I feel as if they're lying to protect me from being hurt.

Anyway.

My new tattoo drawing is finished. It's going on my inner forearm. I can't wait to get it. Hopefully it'll help a bit with my healing. I always feel better after I get inked.

one

I think I saw you in my sleep, darling.

I think I saw you in my sleep;
You were stitching up the seams on every broken promise that your body couldn't keep.
I think I saw you in my sleep.


I thought I heard the door open, oh no.
I thought I heard the door open but I only heard it close.


I thought I heard a plane crashing, but now I think it was your passion snapping.


I think you saw me confronting my fear.
It went up with the bottle and down with the beer and I think you ought to stay away from here.
There are ghosts in the walls and they crawl in your head through your ears.


I think I saw you in my sleep, lover.
I think I saw you in my sleep.

...............................

I miss my love, more then anyone could possibly understand. I feel empty inside. More then empty. I feel as if there's negative space in me, as if all the goodness and happiness is being sucked out of me. Every night his face haunts my dreams, and I wake up crying and unsure of if I can go on.

Everyone tells me it isn't my fault. I'm not as ignorant as they believe though, I know it's customary to say that to someone who has had something horrible like this brought onto them.

How can it not be my fault?

If I am the only thing he had, and he despised life bad enough to end it, then how am I not somehow connected to it?

In my head I dream of people telling me the truth. I feel as if there's some secret that everyone else knows, but I'm being kept in the dark about. If people could be honest to me about the whole situation, then perhaps I could learn to except it and fix my flaws and figure out how to heal.

Until then though, I'm just going to keep swimming through this muck until I get too tired to swim anymore.

....................

Happy first blog post.